


Two Way Street

by flufflez



Category: South Park
Genre: I just like writing Cartman as a crazy narcissist, Other, angsty, attempt at humor..kind of?, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19836073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flufflez/pseuds/flufflez
Summary: Cartman grows up, attends therapy and decides he wants to become a better person. But Kyle is still not convinced that he really gets it.





	Two Way Street

It had been a long time since Kyle had spoken to Cartman. The ring of his doorbell was the sound of his first personal encounter with the ex-frenemy, after years of purposely ignoring him. They had even graduated highschool and not uttered a single word to each other at the ceremony. There had been some awkward diverted glances here and there, but Kyle felt a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach at the thought of becoming socially involved with that guy again. He felt much more relaxed and sane without that kind of drama in his life.

So why was he running downstairs and answering the door to meet him and hang out with him again, after time had finally begun to allow him to forget about Cartman altogether?

Perhaps he was naive, or maybe just too nice. The thought of being rude somehow seemed worse than actually having to deal with him and spend time with him again. Cartman had sent him a long winded message on Facebook explaining how he had been attending therapy and working on self improvement, and that he'd like another chance to be friends again. Kyle feared that he might somehow ruin Cartman's "self improvement journey" if he were to decline or ignore the message, so he begrudgingly responded and agreed to meet up with him.

That was how he ended up standing at his front doorway, heart racing with anxiety as he greeted and forced a smile at the guy who he honestly hated, and really didn't want to spend his Sunday with. Yet somehow, pity compelled him to do so anyway. Cartman grinned back from the doorstep, pointing to his car with his thumb. "Hey Kyle, uh, thanks for giving me another chance, I guess. I'm not really sure what we could even do around here. You wanna go to the park?"

Kyle took a deep breath, hoping Cartman didn't notice his sense of annoyance at having to do this, before nodding casually. "Uh, sure I guess."

He shut the front door and walked to Cartman's car with his hands shoved in his pockets, getting into the passenger seat as Cartman took the driver's.

The drive wasn't too far, but was mostly spent in silence, aside from some forced small talk about the weather and the burgeoning spring time. To sum it up - it was incredibly awkward, and Kyle was beginning to hate himself for agreeing to come along.

When they finally arrived at the park, Kyle was thankful at least for the nice weather, if nothing else. They trudged through the green grass and made their way onto a paved trail, talking more about the weather before Cartman finally got to the point of why he had really dragged him out here.

"Okay, so like, my therapist said I should try to make amends with you and others I've hurt in the past. I've done a lot of reflecting, and I realized that I was a real dick back then."

Kyle almost had to contain laughter. It took him _a lot of reflecting_ to realize that? To almost anybody but Cartman himself, it was obvious that he was a dick.

"But I really want to try to stop being a huge asshole to people, and become a better person. So uh, I'm sorry for like, making Jew jokes at you, and stuff, I guess." Cartman released a deep breath, as though he had been preparing for this all morning.

Kyle felt oddly touched and yet annoyed by his half assed sounding apology at the same time. "It wasn't just about "Jew jokes", you know," he tried to explain,hoping that this time, Cartman would finally listen to him and really try to understand why he had stopped hanging out with him. Because the last time he tried to explain, Cartman seemed too thick in the skull to see his own faults.

Cartman nodded unsurely, as they continued to walk along the empty paved path. "Ah, okay. So like, the cruel pranks and stuff, too. I know, I know, I was an asshole."

Kyle looked at him with uncertainty. "Look, dude. If you really want to change, you gotta be honest with yourself. And I'm gonna be honest with you now. You weren't just an everyday asshole, you were _VICIOUS_ to people, especially me. You were hell bent on getting under my skin and trying to destroy me," he sighed stressfully, as he watched some squirrels chase each other up a tree. He'd rather be one of those squirrels right now than having this conversation with Cartman.

Cartman frowned in confusion. "So like, what did I do that was most hurtful?"

Kyle looked at him suspiciously. He took a moment to think before answering. "Oh man, where do I start? OK, you remember how you always used to call me "Jew rat"? Well man, I always hated that, and all the other shit you would say to me. I always tried to act tough like it didn't get to me, but you made me really self conscious and paranoid. Not to mention those times you plotted to kill me and my family, and that one time you tried to set the synagogue on fire, and the time you choked me and threatened to chop off my dick, and-"

"Okay, okay, I understand, Kyle." Cartman interrupted him. "Totally understand. I'm sorry. But you know...you weren't exactly nice to me about me being fat."

Kyle felt a small twitch in his brain, and suddenly things felt very familiar again. It was like he was experiencing deja vu. "Are you _kidding_ me?? I only made fun of you being fat to get back at you for making me hate myself! For fucks sake, at least you could lose weight, it's not like I can change who I was born!"

Cartman furrowed his eyebrows. "But you made me feel really bad about how my body looked, Kyle."

"Did you even hear what I said?? Or are you going to make things all about yourself again?" Kyle responded incredulously.

"I'm not making things about myself! I said I was sorry, Jesus Christ. I'm just saying, you were a dick to me too!" Cartman argued.

Kyle was ready to lose it. "I called you a fatass, big fucking deal! I didn't make fun of your ethnic background or act like a racist piece of shit! I didn't try to kill you several times! I didn't attempt to annihilate your people, or make jokes about your murdered relatives! I didn't force you to do humiliating things for my amusement! I could go on!"

Cartman sighed. "Maybe not, but you were very mean to me about my size, Kyle. I suffered from yo-yo dieting and an overeating habit. I was very depressed."

"Oh poor you! You were depressed and ate too much! It must be so hard to go through life liking food!" Kyle rolled his eyes. "For someone who was so depressed, you sure had enough energy to make other people miserable."

Cartman looked away, avoidant. "Why is it so hard for you to just admit that you were a dick to me as well?" he asked in a quiet, indignant tone.

"Did you really bring me here to apologize for your behavior, or just to try and convince me that I deserved it?!"

"Respect is a two way street, Kyle. All I'm saying is that my behavior wasn't entirely without warrant. We were both dicks to each other."

Kyle was practically boiling at this point. If he were a pressure cooker, the lid was getting close to popping off. "Don't try to act like I was anywhere near as terrible as you! You weren't just a dick, you were a psychopath! You literally tried to murder me, that isn't comparable to me calling you fat!"

Cartman shook his head in disbelief. "See? You're just spouting out all this nonsense to avoid admitting that you did anything wrong."

Kyle was seething now. "You and your mental gymnastics! This is why I don't want to be around you. You're a fuckin lunatic!"

"Well maybe I don't want to be around you either!" Cartman shot back, looking offended.

"Then why did you bring me here??" Kyle huffed.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I was _trying_ to _apologize_. But if you're gonna be such a Jew about it, I guess I'll take my apologies back!"

"Thanks for wasting my time then!" Kyle spat. Frustrated, he shoved his balled fists into his pockets and turned around, briskly walking away. He'd have to walk home, but at this point the pressure cooker had exploded and he needed to walk off some steam. He needed to get away from Cartman before he punched him.

Cartman simply stood there and watched Kyle take off, an empty blank expression on his face. "Just remember..self improvement is a two way street, Kyle."

Kyle fought back the urge to turn around and hit him, instead opting for giving him the middle finger as he took off through the grass.


End file.
